I had one cup of coffee today

Coffee- Mel Bikowski  

Happy Friday, Everyone! What's your guilty pleasure? Mine is Coffee.

For the past month (more like 22 days) I have been on a coffee detox. When I was younger, it was no interest of mine to really drink it. I felt as if it was something that grown ups drank and I really liked tea over anything anyway (side note: BlueBerry Aloe Tea is everything right now!). But a couple years ago before I had my daughter, Cayce, I started having one cup of coffee a week.

The flavor, the warmth, and the habit of drinking it in the morning began to be this comforting feeling that I really enjoyed. I found that on rainy days it was even more special to just have a cup of coffee with my morning routine at work. So, I started drinking it every morning when I got to work. I have never really amounted to more than one cup a day, but something changed with my relationship with coffee this past year.

Mel Bikowski- Artist- 2017

Sometime last year I was no longer drinking coffee because I enjoyed it. I was drinking coffee because it was comfortable.

Last year, I lost 3 people very close to my heart. I am still, right now, at this moment, devastated. Thinking about how special they were to me, thinking about the times I had with them laughing and talking about life. Two of them were my very best friends that I could count on for anything and one was my Grandma, who was very close to my whole family. My grandma was the glue and the magic of our family put into one person. An amazing and very inspiring lady. Her grace and attitude is something one day I hope to live up to.

Grief is extremely hard to address. Grief is also almost scary to even publicly share with people. As an introvert, I have no idea what to say to "I'm sorry for your loss" or "Aww, they will be missed." I just want to be left alone to cry in a corner with my favorite blanket. Grief is vulnerable, messy, painful, and also deeply healing. I mean, wow- hey- it's been a year guys- and I am still not over the fact that people passed on to another place.

So while on this coffee detox, I have been wondering to myself, why am I going to miss that one cup of coffee a day? My mood with coffee had changed. When I got a cup of coffee, it was because something is starting to irritate me or I am forcing myself to trudge through all the loads of work that I have signed myself up for and by the way, this year I signed up for a lot of it.

Work- Coffee- More Work- Sleep- Repeat- Anything but cry- Anything but address Grief.

I also feel that coffee directly affects my mood and sometimes creates illusion of anxiety, which I don't actually have, but man have I been through many a panic attack this year. It's as if my grief was trying to bubble to the surface and I was shoving breakfast blend down grief's throat instead.  Besides, my body & energy just doesn't work well with stimulation. I notice that naturally, I have a great amount of energy- I process life very deeply and when I need to take something slow, I take it really slow, but I can't do that with coffee. I can't take work slow and I definitely can't even take on grief at all.

Something I noticed during this 22 days without coffee is that all the grief that I have been ignoring has bubbled to the surface at once. Lots of crying- poem writing- and just grounding into the emotions that I have been ignoring for so long. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I love them so much. Honoring a lot of grief- reflection- forgiving myself for not even addressing this until now. Working on letting go of any guilt I might have that is directly related to ways that maybe I could of been a better friend to those friends I have lost.

So, why have a cup of coffee today? (which ps. I didn't even make it through the whole cup)

For me it wasn't the coffee that created the illusion, it was the security of it and the busy-ness of my life that brought me to feel less like myself. It isn't me to be in denial about something that is going on and it certainly isn't me to not address my emotions. Even more, it certainly is not me to be a busy- little -extroverted bee. I am not a bee- I am a bear. A seeker of wisdom (or sweets) and then I hibernate and process it after I have had enough. I feel better right now as I write this. I feel more myself. I feel like now that I know what to work on- I can heal-

So- I treated myself. & that's okay.

No judgement here- just happy sparkly mermaid unicorn guardian of the galaxy vibes- and maybe hey, if I was a My Little Pony, I would say I am Twilight, but I feel a little bit like Pinkie Pie right now :P

So Happy Friday everyone- I will end this one with a deep thought-

how does certain habits disguise things that you need to heal? Is a food that you enjoy actually covering up something that you need to address? Do you not react well to specific chemicals entering your body?

Are you forgetting to address something that you need to let go of? Let's heal. Together.